You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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