You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
