Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
