He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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