Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
two words...techno handjob
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
