OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
