I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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