I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
