Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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