I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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