i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
