just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
