You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize