I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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