He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
