if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
