I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
