I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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