I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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