forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
