There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
