Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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