You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
