remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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