i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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