Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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