i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
