No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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