when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I've blown a few things in my day
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
