The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
