Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My life is pants optional.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
