Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
