If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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