I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize