he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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