The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
