Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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