my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
