to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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