An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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