Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
