I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
