a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It's official drugs can't kill me
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
