HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
