Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
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