i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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