I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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