I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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