I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Randomize
