She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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