Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
