I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize