Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
