Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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