Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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