One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
