last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize