you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
