Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
