She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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