He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
