i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
