the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
